


Dead Poet's Society

by Genie60



Series: Poldark Series 3-This and That [5]
Category: Poldark (TV 2015)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Infidelity, Make Ross Pay, Marriage, Poetry, S3 AU, scene filler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 21:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10579638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Genie60/pseuds/Genie60
Summary: Ross's heartbreak after finding Hugh's last poem to Demelza.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing. The title belongs to the movie...but felt it was appropriate for the subject. 
> 
> Credit to Winston Graham for the poetry and the original storyline....I just wanted to see Ross in pain.

_When I am gone remember this of me_  
That earth of earth or heaven of heaven concealed  
No greater happiness than was to me revealed  
By favour of a single day with thee.  
If for those moments you should shed a tear  
Proud I would be and prouder of your sorrow;  
Even if no memory beyond tomorrow  
In your sweet heart will empty me of fear.  
Leave in the sand a heel mark of your crying,  
Scatter all grief to silence and to air.  
Let the wind blow your beauty ever fair  
And leave me thus to occupy my dying.

Ross read the poem once, twice, three times.  It had fallen out of Demelza’s pocket as he moved the garment and initially, he paid no attention to it except that the ink was not black and so caught his eye.  As he unfurled the parchment he had no idea that what would be revealed would feel like a stabbing to heart and twisting of his soul. From the words, it appeared that his wife, his constant, his touchstone had been unfaithful, yet he had no proof and Demelza had betrayed nothing in her moods or actions. 

Yes, she was grieving for the young man he rescued because he was dying. And he knew that this same young man had feelings for his wife but Ross was used to that.  Hadn’t many men over the course of the years fawned and drooled over her?  Some had unapologetically tried to get into her bed.  Thoughts of old Hugh Bodrugan came to mind but even more disconcerting was the memory of Demelza’s “adventure” with Malcolm McNeil. That confession almost led to her leaving him all those years ago but that did not affect him as these words did.  Then, with McNeil, he knew, in his heart, that Demelza had no feelings for the man and that her escapade was one born of his own misdeed.  Logically he knew that Demelza would never, could never betray him.  She said as much that night they almost parted ways.  Upon her admission of what she tried to do, Ross at first was shocked, then angry and then resigned that he had driven her to behave in a way contrary to her make-up.  It was not until she was ready to ride away that he admitted he knew she had not forgotten their vows and stayed true to him. Something he couldn’t do. 

Now as he sat on the bed, holding this worn piece of paper, he wondered if Demelza had found someone to make her break her moral code.  Could this ailing and frail young man have reached a part of his wife that he could not?  He had known for months that the lieutenant was enamored of his wife; he as much had said so to Ross and in some ways, was warning him that he was going to pursue her.  So what did Ross do?  Nothing.  Because he trusted Demelza to keep her common sense in the forefront and not give in to this kind of passionate courting.  He believed that she had done so otherwise, Ross was sure he’d know if something different had happened. Demelza was not one to be deceptive, especially after their marriage was almost broken because of his idiocy.  From that point on, they tried to make honest discussion of feelings a constant in their marriage and until this man appeared on the scene, it served them well. 

Except, Ross thought when he met Elizabeth in the cemetery and conveniently neglected to tell his wife of the encounter.  He thought it was to spare her feelings but in truth, it was because he didn’t know how to make it sound as anything other than a clandestine meeting which he might feel guilty about.  When he finally admitted to it, Demelza was resigned that once again he could not stay away from Elizabeth. It was almost as if she had given up and was not going to fight him anymore. Now thinking about it, was it because she herself had met infidelity first hand and embraced it?  From the paper in his hand, he was beginning to think that was the case.  Ross looked at the words again and a visual of Demelza lying on the beach, naked, making love to a young buck made him ill.  He felt the bile rise in his throat and for the first time since he’d seen blood and gore on the battlefields of Virginia, vomited violently into the chamber pot. Gasping to catch his breath, he looked up to see if there was something he could down to ease this burning pain in his body.  Not just from the acid he’d emptied but the ache that filled his soul and wrapped around his heart.

Pouring a brandy, he downed it quickly letting the liquid add to the raw feeling in this throat and then threw the glass against the fireplace. Collapsing on the bed, Ross let out a cry like a wounded animal. He was grateful the pounding rain would drown out the sounds emanating from him because he didn’t think they would cease anytime soon.  The realization that the one thing he had built his life around had dissolved in the sand on a single afternoon shook him to the core.  If he couldn’t depend on Demelza what could he depend on?  Then again, isn’t that what she thought only a few years ago?  Hadn’t he ripped the foundation of her life from under in one, single, selfish act that amounted to nothing and left a trail of tears and scars in its wake?   Knowing his wife as he believed he did, Ross didn’t think that whatever had transpired between her and Hugh was done frivolously or with any malicious intent.  At least on Demelza’s part. 

The feelings she had for Hugh she had openly shared with him.  If he had been paying more attention he could have seen this coming and done something to prevent it. Just as Demelza tried to prevent his visit to Trenwith to no avail.  However, stubbornness prevailed on both sides it seems when passion is involved.  Once more Ross read the words. This time he felt jealousy not just because of what he assumed they meant but because this person had conveyed in a few lines what he would have wanted to say to his wife many times over and couldn’t.  How he would have liked to have told Demelza after their first night together what he truly felt when he saw her in that blue dress. Or how making love to her over the years was different every time and yet the same?  Unfortunately, he was not gifted with a turn of the phrase and more often than not, what he intended to say came out insincere or more like an obligatory statement needed to right a wrong. 

Without realizing it, tears began to fall and Ross quickly dropped the paper so that it fluttered to the floor.  He didn’t want Demelza to see evidence of his pain or know that he had invaded her privacy.  For the first time since Julia’s death, he cried and was not ashamed of it.  The tears that came were not just for the pain he was feeling at the hands of a dying young poet; they were also for the years he wasted pining over someone he knew in his soul wasn’t meant for him while his wife stood by and watched him make a fool of himself. They were also for this young man who he saved only to have him lose his life anyway.  But mostly they were for Demelza because with this revelation he now understood what he put her through time and time again and how that “one night” as he so graciously called it must have ripped her to the core. He also cried because he knew his wife so well he was sure she was taking Hugh’s illness to heart. Perhaps even remembering her own loss of a child and how helpless she was to change anything then as well. Maybe that was why she let Hugh into her heart. Pity for someone who was not long for this world and a need to give them something she herself has felt.  Love in its purest form.  For if Ross knew anything about Demelza it was that her heart was genuine and pure so that whatever she shared with this young man was on that level and did not touch what they had.  Or so he hoped. 

It didn’t make the pain of her betrayal any easier but it did make it more acceptable in Ross’s head. Unlike his ten-year devotion to Elizabeth that culminated on that fateful night, this act by his wife was more of an attempt to offer solace to someone who was in need.  If he thought of it that way, he could face her. Otherwise, if he thought it was anything more than that, he’d breakdown and not truly recover.  He needed to make sure that he had not lost Demelza in the most basic way and that was emotional.  Death was easier to take than this for it was final; which is ironic since this young man was going to die and so would no longer be a threat.  Unless of course, Hugh had taken root in Demelza’s heart to the point where he himself was pushed aside and the poet would remain there for years to come.  Again, something he had done to her for as long as they had been together.

_It’s all come back around_ , Ross thought. _Everything I put her through with Elizabeth has now come back to me tenfold._ The pain was almost unbearable.  He had never felt anything like this before.  Not even when he returned from America and found out Elizabeth was to marry Francis.  Thinking back to that time in his life, Ross realized even that disappointment did not come close to this.  It was as if he’d lost a part of his body and there was nothing that could bind this wound.  Needing to gather himself together, Ross went to the wash basin and threw cold water on his face to erase the tracks of his tears and clear his head.  Looking in the mirror he saw a man who had betrayed the woman he loved only once physically but whose long standing indiscretion had a never ending ripple effect.  Ross was usually a man with no regrets as he told Margaret years ago. Now he realized he did regret something: that was taking his wife and his life for granted and allowing his selfishness to tarnish something that, while not perfect, was real.  Straightening himself up Ross looked around the room and exited to find his wife. He bent down and picked up the offensive missive, putting it back in his wife’s skirt pocket. As he did so he wondered if she subconsciously left it there for him to find.  If her purpose was to make him feel the hurt she felt, she’d accomplished that.  But he couldn’t be angry at her.  He loved her too much.  Ross’s love for Demelza came from the depths of his soul so while the hurt was unimaginable, he would work past it because he loved her. And he knew she loved him.  That would have to see them through once again.

**Author's Note:**

> From a conversation with @Amandarprescott on Twitter and FB. This one's for you. I hope I did it justice  
> #Makerosspay
> 
> I've started a S3 series so all fiction pertaining to either the books or episodes covered in the upcoming series will be found here.


End file.
